It pisses me off. I think that a lot, but it really does.
‘Okay so there’s this guy’ - That’s what I’d say to start off this post. And then you’d know the shit that would follow up, the usual crap. But yeah, basically, there is. But with the difference: I’m not here babling about my boyfriend, relashionship or even the guy himself, since I feel that would be a way too personal and expositional of me. I’m rambling about feelings. (‘Yet again’, you sigh).
We spend so many time - wondering ‘do i like that guy?’ ‘yeah i guess…’ looking at people, wondering if you’re meeting someone you like, ‘is this guy gonna be nice’, etecetra. You know what I mean. A lot of people say they would just like to have someone for a healthy relashionship, but that would be… so ‘not love’. Not passionate.
You picture your guy - or girl, if that’s your thing - in every way, from the little things, like the smile, the laugh, the way they roll their eyes, they way they look awkward sometimes and the way you know they know or feel the same thing you do, to the big things, like the average height they should be, i like the hair will look like this, big eyes, thin lips, the face should give this vibe, slim, toned, chubby, goth, emo, preppy, hipster, alternative or WHATEVER. You get my drift.
I’ve met this guy I knew as a kid, a really small kid. we used to be friends like in first grade. We went to beach together and caught spongy red sea plants that looked like sugar candy. we collected it and took it home. we fell asleep on the couch playing pokemon. we talked randomly in the dark. he was my buddy on field trips. And it was cool, he was my bestie. (I wont describe his personality).
Recently I’ve met with him. It was planned, so i was thinking: ‘you were a kid. he changed, just like all the other people you were in first grade with. he grew up and he became another one of the regular guys, you probably dont know him anymore.’
And then we met. we stared at each other for a while making sure we were the right persons. we both look a WAY better, might i add. And we chatted for 40 minutes about what has been happening in our lives.
And it was like he was the fucking same.
And i felt the fucking same. But worse. Because this isn’t first grade anymore.
It pisses me off. It pisses me off that after that many years I feel even fucking worse. Or better, it depends on your point of view.
So basically, you search all that, think all that, and it’s all a bunch of bullshit. Convincing yourself is settling. It is prooved to me now that if you fall for someone, you wont even have to try. It just is there. And he’s cute and all and i love he’s eyes but he is not my type at all, not the usual guys I’m attracted to.
So this is it. Fucking senceless, it is just as reasonable as me disliking coffee and feeling sick just at the smell of it, while most people drink it like mother’s milk. We’re just lab rats here. I seriously need to stop thinking about it. Trying.
Just give up on it and it falls into place. Like searching the remote. Ugh.